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Love Styles | Relationships
Are you in a secure relationship?

Chances are if you’re in a secure relationship you know it. Like your health, when it’s good it’s easy to take it for granted and you don’t think too much about it. But if you find yourself losing sleep, unable to think about much besides the state of your relationship, it might feel as precarious as the state of our presidential election. You’re not happy with your choices and you’d rather just sit this one out.

In this post, I want to describe what secure relationships are and how to know if you are in one?  You may not be familiar with the word SECURE so I want to define what I mean.  Similar words that describe secure relationships are- healthy, happy and loving.  Most happy/secure couples are more similar than different.

SECURE relationships have the following ingredients:

Safety: both partners feel comfortable and taken care of
Empathy: for each other
Calm each other: knowing what your partner needs to relax
Understanding: your partner’s good intentions in their actions
Repairing hurts: saying ‘I’m sorry’ when misunderstandings happen
Enjoy: each other’s company

Secure romantic relationships are similar to secure parent-child relationships where there is a nice rhythm of acceptance and flexibility, feelings are mainly positive, a child feels nurtured and most importantly unconditionally loved.  In a secure romantic relationship, there is an easy going flow to it, with little drama, a couple feels settled with little urgency or worry about monogamy, both partners are generally content and relaxed.

If your relationship has some but not all of these ingredients, what is missing?  In future posts, I will talk about the importance of two of the most important secure skills, being able to calm your partner down during stress and to repair hurts.

In a secure relationship, both partners do not necessarily need to be secure themselves. Only 50% of the population are considered to be secure.  If this is you great, if not, no worries.  In a good relationship, you can earn security.  Earned security describes a person becoming more secure as an individual benefiting from being part of a secure relationship.  This transformation takes on average five years in a good relationship.  For me personally it took less time, for others, it takes longer.  Security, however, doesn’t come easily for most, both partners in a couple need to be curious about one another and know what their partner needs and wants.

This election you and your partner may not only have different political opinions you might also have different love styles.  In order to know whether you are similar or different take both my quizzes.   What is your love style and what is my partner’s love style?   Come back to my love style page to determine whether you are similar or different.

secure note: Being in a secure relationship is a good first start, but is it enough to make you happy?   What are the other ingredients needed for happiness and a satisfying relationship? Is security enough?

Share with me your thoughts



6 comments to " Are you in a secure relationship? "

  • Louis

    Hmm, well I think I’m mostly in a secure relationship but as my wife points out I’m not the best at saying “I’m sorry” so I guess I need to work on that one.
    Keep em coming doc, good stuff

    • Diane Strachowski

      You are not alone on that one. Repairing misunderstandings and hurts in relationships is something that many couples struggle with. Yes, I will speak more about this in the future.
      Thanks for your comment,
      Dr. Diane

  • dan

    I hate to admit I think I am rather secure, but my wife is not, I think we need to work on this, any suggestions?

    • Diane Strachowski

      Yes, this is the kind of work I do, regardless if one or the other partner feels insecure it effects the couple. Please use my contact page to reach out to me.
      Dr. Diane

      • Earlean Williams

        My fiancé don’t make me feel secure anymore in a relationship I don’t know what I have done for it to be this way After the 14 years

  • […] be INSECURE by experiencing hundreds of thousands of interactions. Therefore, if you want to become SECURE, it will take energy and effort to change. You must learn how to relax your nervous system and to […]

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