The SECUROLOGY of love

love styles

Want to understand who you are in romantic relationships and how you love?

Understanding Your Love Style

Unlocking your love style is important because each of us loves differently in our romantic relationships. When you were growing up you learned many behaviors from the environment you were raised in and the people who raised you. Children attach in different ways to their caregivers, which creates your own unique form of attachment. This attachment shows up in the way you connect with partners, what you need from your partners and how you rely on them. This is described as Attachment Theory.

After completing my quiz you will receive your love style profile which will give you a list of your traits, strengths and needs; a summary of what you bring to a relationship as well as what you need to be happy in a long term romantic relationship. In your profile you will also receive a list of your blind spots or patterns that you might have less awareness of as well as suggestions for what you will need to consider to become a better partner in either your relationship or to have more success in dating.

There are four Primary Love Styles

  1. Secure
  2. Isolated/Avoidant
  3. Nervous/Anxious/Angry
  4. Confused/Disorganized

“Sure you can be happy being single,
but it isn’t the same as being loved.
You want more! You want both!
Happiness and love!”

Within the first three categories: Secure, Isolated and Nervous, you will also be either a high or low expressive communicator. A high expressive person shares their feelings more easily they are usually quite verbal and do not fear stating their opinion. A low expressive person might keep their thoughts and feelings to themselves, they might fear conflict or be afraid to speak up. When you combine the first three types, S,I,N with either high or low expressiveness you come up with six possible love types. The seventh category is the love style of the wounded warrior, often this person grew up in an environment that was confusing.

YOUR LOVE STYLE is made up of two categories, your attachment style and your expressiveness level.

None of the seven love styles is better than the other, however each of the love styles has unique traits, strengths, needs/wants and blind spots.

Secure

  1. Confident Hero = High Expressive
  2. Reserved Playmate = Low Expressive

Isolated

  1. Renaissance Lover = High Expressive
  2. Hesitant Romantic = Low Expressive

Nervous

  1. Expressive Giver = High Expressive
  2. Loyal Supporter = Low Expressive

Confused

  1. Wounded Warrior

Your Profile will be described in your individual results. While you may be curious to know more about each of the love styles it is most important to focus on your own unique love style and that of your partner. Consider how you can integrate the information provided and find ways to ask for what you need and find ways to improve on blind spots so that your current relationship or dating experiences can be the best they can be.

Your Love Style Profile is a quiz, not a substitute for a psychological assessment or interview.

I encourage you to share this quiz with your friends. With more completed quizzes, the data collected will help to provide useful statistics on each love style. I invite you to leave me a comment on how accurate you think your love style profile is.


Love Style Quiz Background

Attachment Theory: The theoretical background for ‘What is your love style?’ and ‘What is my partner’s love style?’ quizzes were derived from the work or John Bowlby, the founder of Attachment Theory in the 1960’s. Bowlby studied infants and noticed when they did not bond to their caregivers from a very young age they struggled in their abilities later in life to form healthy attachments. Attachment Theory now called Attachment Science studies how your attachment style in your romantic relationships is directly related to your early childhood attachments. Attachment has been studied and documented over many years in a variety of settings.

Your early attachment can affect you in two primary ways:

  1. How your nervous system is wired: how you calm down under stress.
  2. Who you rely on in your relationships and how much connection is comfortable for you.

Expressiveness: Is considered the degree of effort you make when revealing your emotions to your partner. High expressive people are more likely to reveal emotions, either negative or positive to their partner and low expressive people are less likely to share particularly negative emotions.

Attachment Style + Expressiveness = Your Unique Love Style. Knowing who you are in your relationships can help you understand why you might back down during emotional conflicts or why you confront things head on. By increasing your awareness of your style and knowing your partner’s style you can begin to look at your relationships in a new light.

Imagine finally knowing what your partner really needs and wants in your relationship.

Knowing your Partner’s Love Style

When partners meet each other’s needs (often what you experience in the beginning of a relationship), there are positive feelings, you feel understood and safe. Over time, people tend to fall back on old patterns. If either you or your partner does not feel understood, there can be friction, unhappiness or a loss of love. The Love Style Quiz can help you understand how to meet your partner’s need when the relationship is stressed.

In Attachment Science we know that differences in family of origin, relationship experiences and resulting expectations cannot be the same for any two people.

Now What?

The ideal circumstance would be for you to take the Love Style Quiz for your self and your partner and for your partner to do the same. Focus on the profile that you received versus the one your partner received. What matters most is how you see your partner. The profile sheet you receive for your partner’s style will give you helpful tips for how to better view your partner and what they need from you.


Do you have similar or opposite love styles?

Similar: If you and your partner fall into the same quadrant: Secure, Isolated, Nervous or Confused you will have similar needs and wants. For example, if both you and your partner have Nervous love styles you both will need to be heard understood and validated. You both will also want to keep things positive in your relationship and seek consistency from each other.

You may fall in the same quadrant and yet your expressiveness may be different, one may be high and the other may be low. These differences may be subtle yet still, have an effect on how you communicate. Understanding and talking about these differences is important.

diagram

Opposite: If you and your partner are opposites, say you are a Renaissance Lover and your partner is a Loyal Supporter this doesn’t mean you are not compatible. Rather both of you will have opposing or different needs. During periods of stress the Renaissance Lover will need space and time to think things through while the Loyal Supporter will need to talk and get validation in order to calm down. Neither one is right nor wrong, they are merely different. Becoming more secure in your relationship it is important to learn to accept that your partner may have different needs than you do. Try to create understanding and space so both you and your partner can get your needs met.


Being a Secure person versus being in Secure Relationships?

If you are either a Reserved Playmate or a Confident Hero you have a Secure love style. While this is great start it is not a guarantee for being secure in a relationship. You must learn to appreciate and accept your partner’s differences instead of struggling to make them like you.

Secure Relationships?

What is a secure relationship and how can I create or find one? In order to be more secure in love you need to know what a secure relationship looks like. Perhaps you did not learn this from your parents or have not yet found this in your adult life. Two people can create a secure relationship regardless of your love profile. Healing can take place in either one of the partners or in the relationship itself and this is called “earned security”. Earned security is believed to take on average five years to happen, though it can take more or less time depending on circumstances.

Here are the ingredients for a secure relationship: Notice there is no ‘I’ in Secure. Start to think about relationships as a ‘We’ or ‘Us’:

  • Safety: both partners agree to be committed to the relationship and are monogamous
  • Empathy: for your partners needs and reciprocal empathy for your needs
  • Calm each other: knowing what each person needs to relax and unwind
  • Understanding: your partner’s good intentions in their actions
  • Repairing hurts: say I’m sorry when misunderstandings happen, correct mistakes
  • Enjoy: each other and your relationship!

 

You and your partner can create a secure relationship but it can take time and commitment to blend in the key ingredients. Earned secure relationships often take an average of five years or more to develop. Often the toughest lesson is to accept your partner for who they are not who you want them to be.

In order to be more secure in your relationship consider the following shift. Instead of thinking of the golden rule: ‘Treat others the way you want to be treated.’ Try the Platinum rule: ‘Treat others the way they want to be treated.’ Once you figure this out the rest just clicks.

Needs and Wants in a Relationship:
Why they are Different?

You can’t always get what you want, but if you try sometime you find you get what you need

~ the Rolling Stones

Want to know your Love Style?

Want to know your partner’s Love Style?

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