SECURE NOTES

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sex in a relationship
Dating | Relationships | Sex + Sexuality
When to have sex in your relationship?

Sex is an important element to most dating relationships. Sex is what differentiates a romantic relationship from a platonic one. Ask couples who are not having sex if they feel like something is missing and at least one partner is probably unhappy with the state of the union (and I’m not talking about the presidential annual address). Think of sex as the glue that keeps a couple close but it can also be a moment of truth in dating whether the relationship will be more than just sex.

The two biggest questions I hear from people dating is, “When is the best time to have sex in a relationship?” and “How to keep sex alive while dating?”  

The answer to the timing question is different for all couples. If you are not certain whether your date will call you after having sex it’s probably too soon. It’s fair to say if you are uncomfortable talking about the details of your relationship you are best to get clarity sooner than later. If in the heat of the moment you ask for a commitment, be careful that your answer wasn’t fueled more by lust than loyalty.  Many women appear breezy with casual sex but have regrets when the man fails to commit after. I teach women to protect their hearts. Remember oxytocin will bond you to a man. Better to get a commitment

I teach singles to protect their hearts, particularly if you are the emotional type: either a Loyal Supporter or an Expressive Giver you can get attached to your partner quickly.  Better to slow things down if you will regret them later.  Another tricky situation may be that you do not believe in sex before marriage.  If you are with a partner who is thinking something different, it is best to convey this to not send mixed messages.  The overall answer to the question:  When to have sex in your relationship, is up to you.  Try to anticipate situations ahead of time, if you don’t feel comfortable or ready, you must communicate this and do not put yourself in a position that things become uncomfortable or too heated.  Once the sex button is pushed it’s tough to go back to being breezy or just friends.

The second question about how to keep sex alive while dating is an easier one to answer. Remember that great sex is about great anticipation. Given that the brain is the biggest sex organ try to enhance all the senses to build anticipation between dates.

Visual Anticipation: When the man you’re dating texts you and asks, “What are you doing?” Instead of saying something boring like, “Nothing, what about you?” add some visual spice. Try a response like, “Just got out of the shower Why?” or “I’m soaking in the tub…” What about, “In the dressing room at Victoria’s Secret?” Add a smiley face emoji to drive your partner extra crazy. Send him a picture when you are out with your girlfriends with the question, “What do you think?”

Verbal Anticipation: I encourage couples to keep arousal going by sending texts that convey sexual desire.  “It’s a good thing you’re in a meeting because I can’t stop thinking of you and I’m afraid we wouldn’t be very productive today.” “My cheeks are still hurt from smiling.”

Being vague: Similar to the picture associated with this text, images that are sexy are those that are implicit, not explicit. Think of Flash dance, glimpses of body parts but no actual nudity, that was one sexy movie. Take time to notice things about your partner that are unique and special.  Try something like, “You are great with your hands.”  “I love the way you look at me and listen to me.” 

Talk about how lucky you are to have found each other. “I feel bad for all the other women or men who don’t get to be with you.”  “I’m the luckiest girlfriend, boyfriend around.”

SECURE note: Sex shouldn’t define a relationship it should enhance it. Think of sex like a fine wine; do not drink it before it’s time. Pair sex with some anticipation and enjoy!
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